This morning was a little stressful. Myself and slave had a pretty rough sleep (that’s what we get for drinking coffee before bedtime) and he was getting pretty mouthy during our coffee wake-up. I did what I could to remind him of his submission, despite the local, and when I came back in from the bathroom he was on his knees ready to beg for forgiveness. After his attitude this morning, I was debating on a punishment, but instead settled for some extra chores around the house; it’s the most I can do right now considering we are spending our nights at grandmas for the time being. It’s been three years since he and I met, but we technically don’t live together. He takes care of an elderly family member, so certain rules only apply when we’re at my home; for example one of our rules is that, during dinner, he eats at my feet without utensils. However, we can’t do that when we make grandma dinner every night so we adjust depending on where we are. There are a few rules that are outlined within the agreement that we can’t do yet, but the rest of it we’ve made work somehow or another. Usually we spend some time with grandma after dinner and then head back to my house, where we can play a bit more freely but lately that hasn’t been possible. By next week another family member will be flying into town to help out, so we’ll have a bit more freedom to continue on with our not-so-regular life, but we will still be spending a large portion of time at her house. I can’t totally blame him for forgetting his place at my feet either, we did pick a pretty inconvenient time to start all of this. The first week we had was perfect; it took some practice but we were really able to get into the routine of it all, and it started to get comfortable, habitual. Then Christmas, New Years, birthdays, funerals, babysitting – so much regular life stuff has happened, making it much harder to follow the contract to the letter.
Our regular routine is simple but effective; in the mornings he leaves my work clothes set out for me, makes the bed, wakes me up with coffee and kisses my feet while I drink it. When we arrive home at night, he will remove my shoes and kiss each foot, then place my crown upon my head. (When we leave the home, even to smoke a J outside, he must put my shoes on as well). I then attach his leash and force him to follow me around on his knees as I check to see if he’s completed his tasks to my satisfaction. I will then ‘score’ him and decide at the end if he’s earned a punishment or not. If he does something above and beyond what he was told to do, he gets a reward (like today, for example. He brought me lunch with a side of attitude, and he made it up to me by surprising me with a coffee maker, coffee, cream and sugar so I can have some at work without spending money). Usually he spends the night either in the foot hood or as my footstool if I’m not punishing him, which I haven’t had the time or freedom to do lately either (sad face). Right now, we have to wait until grandmother goes to bed before I can begin to do anything remotely kinky, and I cannot do most of the punishments while we’re there either, but this is where we need to be right now, so we’re making due. I really wasn’t expecting to miss our routines as much as I do, even after only a week or two of doing it regularly. He still takes off my shoes if grandma isn’t looking, he makes dinner and does the dishes, makes coffee for me to wake up to in the morning, and he still kisses and massages my feet before we sleep, but those important actions of submission that take place at my house are missing and we’re both feeling it. I’m beginning to crave his submission, to see him kneel, crawling at the end of my leash. Seeing him tied up at my feet in sensory deprivation, or listening to the crack of the crop against his skin is magic in itself. I knew that I’d eventually start to enjoy this, but I didn’t expect to thrive in it the way I have, to get so much pleasure from it all. I always used to think I wasn’t attracted to a submissive man, yet I get wet every time he kneels at my feet. I think it turns him on even more seeing how much the devilish side of me is coming out – maybe that’s what attracted him to me in the first place! I didn’t know how much I’d enjoy impact play either; I’m learning so much about myself and it’s absolutely thrilling.
Slave bought me a beautiful new whip on New Years Eve and it finally arrived, but I definitely need to practice a bit more before trying it on him again. We’ve played a few times to break him and the leather in, but I need to get a bit better with my aim before using it on human skin. It is a lot of fun to wield though; I got incredibly aroused the first time I used it on him, which was a pleasant surprise. He loved it too, of course. The sounds he made, the gratitude that poured from his lips with each strike got me going somethin’ fierce and I couldn’t help but order him to make himself cum while I was whipping him. His orgasms are usually saved for me, but I was feeling generous! 😉
I’m craving the ability to live fully immersed in this lifestyle and I think it scares me a little, how much I am truly enjoying this; the places my mind is going is so out of my comfort zone and I absolutely love it. We’re also waiting on the proper sized ring for his chastity, which is taking far too long for my liking. He’s supposed to be under permanent lock and key, however the previous ring was a little too tight so I had to remove it and trust my naughty little slave not to touch himself without permission until the new one arrives. I also ordered him a beautiful new collar and cannot wait to place it on him! After some time goes on, we’re going to have a collaring ceremony. There isn’t a very large community here, and the one that exists is hard to get into so, for now, it’ll just be us attending, but I am so looking forward to making it BDSM official when the time is right.
There was one thought that I couldn’t shake last night, during our sleeplessness. I am not inexperienced, to say the least, and I’ve realized there has always been an imbalance with the men from my past. I was always the one who gave my heart and soul and it always felt like there was this barrier, a wall between the man and I that I would never break through. As if he was more aloof, withdrawn, uninterested in letting me in the way I had. They kept their distance emotionally; Now, I realize that this is mostly my own bad taste in men, but it’s also just how the world is right now; I don’t think it’s conscious, it’s simply societal. Men are the ones in control, women are the ones who follow their lead and I had never really noticed that divide until I saw the vulnerability within my slave when he submitted to me the first time, and each time since. I have never seen a man so open, his soul so completely bared. It’s intimidating, to put it bluntly. I’ve never had to be responsible for a mans heart, I’ve never truly felt like anyone has ever given me 100% of themselves and my slave has, and I worry I don’t deserve it – but he reminds me on a regular basis that I do. It’s very strange, being in control, being responsible for another human. I mentioned this in my post yesterday, the safety I feel with him, being his Goddess. Being given the power over him the way I have – being able to train him to be what I want, to treat me the way I want, is wonderful. The core of all I’ve ever wanted is there, but he needed a push and I needed to learn how to speak up. The love he has for submission though is what is most wild for me; for a man who used to get so upset at me for even seemingly ordering him to do something, suddenly my needs are paramount in his heart. I am the most important person in his universe, and I love that. I love that, for the first time, I feel equal in the love I give and the love I receive. I don’t feel I’m giving more than I’m receiving, or that my opinions and needs don’t matter. I feel equal, or more than equal – I truly feel like a Goddess, a Queen. His enjoyment spurs mine on even more, the pleasure he receives from seeing me grow into myself, losing my fear and my worry and my stress makes me enjoy the adventure, and in turn I become more and more relaxed into the role of his Domme. I find myself fantasizing about our future, what it will be like when we no longer have anyone else but ourselves to think about (before children, of course). When I can spend the entire weekend punishing him, when I can force him to clean the home on his knees wearing women’s clothing, or when our full contract is able to be followed. It’s incredible to me how much this dynamic has changed me to my core, even in a few short weeks. It’s amazing how much it’s changed him, changed us. I never thought I’d get lucky enough to find someone to love me so completely, let alone submit to me fully. I can see the change in him, that this is something he’s been missing for a long time and I feel blessed that I get to be the one who is able to give that to him. I’m beginning to feel as if this was something I was missing, too. I truly wish that I could shout this from the rooftops – I read so many posts of my friends and strangers complaining that their husbands don’t clean or help around the house, they don’t do sweet little gestures or they don’t desire their female counterparts the way they used to and I don’t have any of those problems anymore. I feel so lucky, and I’m starting to settle into the knowledge that this is going to stick. I’m falling deeper than I ever thought possible, and it is pure extacy. The levels of intimacy he and I have achieved already is far above and beyond anything I have ever experienced before, and it’s continuing to grow as time goes on. I am so excited to see what else I learn about myself, and about him.
Until next time, keep it kinky!