Vulnerability

This morning was a little stressful. Myself and slave had a pretty rough sleep (that’s what we get for drinking coffee before bedtime) and he was getting pretty mouthy during our coffee wake-up. I did what I could to remind him of his submission, despite the local, and when I came back in from the bathroom he was on his knees ready to beg for forgiveness. After his attitude this morning, I was debating on a punishment, but instead settled for some extra chores around the house; it’s the most I can do right now considering we are spending our nights at grandmas for the time being. It’s been three years since he and I met, but we technically don’t live together. He takes care of an elderly family member, so certain rules only apply when we’re at my home; for example one of our rules is that, during dinner, he eats at my feet without utensils. However, we can’t do that when we make grandma dinner every night so we adjust depending on where we are. There are a few rules that are outlined within the agreement that we can’t do yet, but the rest of it we’ve made work somehow or another. Usually we spend some time with grandma after dinner and then head back to my house, where we can play a bit more freely but lately that hasn’t been possible. By next week another family member will be flying into town to help out, so we’ll have a bit more freedom to continue on with our not-so-regular life, but we will still be spending a large portion of time at her house. I can’t totally blame him for forgetting his place at my feet either, we did pick a pretty inconvenient time to start all of this. The first week we had was perfect; it took some practice but we were really able to get into the routine of it all, and it started to get comfortable, habitual. Then Christmas, New Years, birthdays, funerals, babysitting – so much regular life stuff has happened, making it much harder to follow the contract to the letter.

Our regular routine is simple but effective; in the mornings he leaves my work clothes set out for me, makes the bed, wakes me up with coffee and kisses my feet while I drink it. When we arrive home at night, he will remove my shoes and kiss each foot, then place my crown upon my head. (When we leave the home, even to smoke a J outside, he must put my shoes on as well). I then attach his leash and force him to follow me around on his knees as I check to see if he’s completed his tasks to my satisfaction. I will then ‘score’ him and decide at the end if he’s earned a punishment or not. If he does something above and beyond what he was told to do, he gets a reward (like today, for example. He brought me lunch with a side of attitude, and he made it up to me by surprising me with a coffee maker, coffee, cream and sugar so I can have some at work without spending money). Usually he spends the night either in the foot hood or as my footstool if I’m not punishing him, which I haven’t had the time or freedom to do lately either (sad face). Right now, we have to wait until grandmother goes to bed before I can begin to do anything remotely kinky, and I cannot do most of the punishments while we’re there either, but this is where we need to be right now, so we’re making due. I really wasn’t expecting to miss our routines as much as I do, even after only a week or two of doing it regularly. He still takes off my shoes if grandma isn’t looking, he makes dinner and does the dishes, makes coffee for me to wake up to in the morning, and he still kisses and massages my feet before we sleep, but those important actions of submission that take place at my house are missing and we’re both feeling it. I’m beginning to crave his submission, to see him kneel, crawling at the end of my leash. Seeing him tied up at my feet in sensory deprivation, or listening to the crack of the crop against his skin is magic in itself. I knew that I’d eventually start to enjoy this, but I didn’t expect to thrive in it the way I have, to get so much pleasure from it all. I always used to think I wasn’t attracted to a submissive man, yet I get wet every time he kneels at my feet. I think it turns him on even more seeing how much the devilish side of me is coming out – maybe that’s what attracted him to me in the first place! I didn’t know how much I’d enjoy impact play either; I’m learning so much about myself and it’s absolutely thrilling.

Slave bought me a beautiful new whip on New Years Eve and it finally arrived, but I definitely need to practice a bit more before trying it on him again. We’ve played a few times to break him and the leather in, but I need to get a bit better with my aim before using it on human skin. It is a lot of fun to wield though; I got incredibly aroused the first time I used it on him, which was a pleasant surprise. He loved it too, of course. The sounds he made, the gratitude that poured from his lips with each strike got me going somethin’ fierce and I couldn’t help but order him to make himself cum while I was whipping him. His orgasms are usually saved for me, but I was feeling generous! 😉

I’m craving the ability to live fully immersed in this lifestyle and I think it scares me a little, how much I am truly enjoying this; the places my mind is going is so out of my comfort zone and I absolutely love it. We’re also waiting on the proper sized ring for his chastity, which is taking far too long for my liking. He’s supposed to be under permanent lock and key, however the previous ring was a little too tight so I had to remove it and trust my naughty little slave not to touch himself without permission until the new one arrives. I also ordered him a beautiful new collar and cannot wait to place it on him! After some time goes on, we’re going to have a collaring ceremony. There isn’t a very large community here, and the one that exists is hard to get into so, for now, it’ll just be us attending, but I am so looking forward to making it BDSM official when the time is right.

There was one thought that I couldn’t shake last night, during our sleeplessness. I am not inexperienced, to say the least, and I’ve realized there has always been an imbalance with the men from my past. I was always the one who gave my heart and soul and it always felt like there was this barrier, a wall between the man and I that I would never break through. As if he was more aloof, withdrawn, uninterested in letting me in the way I had. They kept their distance emotionally; Now, I realize that this is mostly my own bad taste in men, but it’s also just how the world is right now; I don’t think it’s conscious, it’s simply societal. Men are the ones in control, women are the ones who follow their lead and I had never really noticed that divide until I saw the vulnerability within my slave when he submitted to me the first time, and each time since. I have never seen a man so open, his soul so completely bared. It’s intimidating, to put it bluntly. I’ve never had to be responsible for a mans heart, I’ve never truly felt like anyone has ever given me 100% of themselves and my slave has, and I worry I don’t deserve it – but he reminds me on a regular basis that I do. It’s very strange, being in control, being responsible for another human. I mentioned this in my post yesterday, the safety I feel with him, being his Goddess. Being given the power over him the way I have – being able to train him to be what I want, to treat me the way I want, is wonderful. The core of all I’ve ever wanted is there, but he needed a push and I needed to learn how to speak up. The love he has for submission though is what is most wild for me; for a man who used to get so upset at me for even seemingly ordering him to do something, suddenly my needs are paramount in his heart. I am the most important person in his universe, and I love that. I love that, for the first time, I feel equal in the love I give and the love I receive. I don’t feel I’m giving more than I’m receiving, or that my opinions and needs don’t matter. I feel equal, or more than equal – I truly feel like a Goddess, a Queen. His enjoyment spurs mine on even more, the pleasure he receives from seeing me grow into myself, losing my fear and my worry and my stress makes me enjoy the adventure, and in turn I become more and more relaxed into the role of his Domme. I find myself fantasizing about our future, what it will be like when we no longer have anyone else but ourselves to think about (before children, of course). When I can spend the entire weekend punishing him, when I can force him to clean the home on his knees wearing women’s clothing, or when our full contract is able to be followed. It’s incredible to me how much this dynamic has changed me to my core, even in a few short weeks. It’s amazing how much it’s changed him, changed us. I never thought I’d get lucky enough to find someone to love me so completely, let alone submit to me fully. I can see the change in him, that this is something he’s been missing for a long time and I feel blessed that I get to be the one who is able to give that to him. I’m beginning to feel as if this was something I was missing, too. I truly wish that I could shout this from the rooftops – I read so many posts of my friends and strangers complaining that their husbands don’t clean or help around the house, they don’t do sweet little gestures or they don’t desire their female counterparts the way they used to and I don’t have any of those problems anymore. I feel so lucky, and I’m starting to settle into the knowledge that this is going to stick. I’m falling deeper than I ever thought possible, and it is pure extacy. The levels of intimacy he and I have achieved already is far above and beyond anything I have ever experienced before, and it’s continuing to grow as time goes on. I am so excited to see what else I learn about myself, and about him.

Until next time, keep it kinky!

Goddess S.

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Our beginning

DISCLAIMER: BDSM can be therapy, and it is for me. No, issues like mine are not as prevalent within this community as you’d think, as 50 shades made it out to seem. Please, do not take my experience as a blanket statement for all Dominants and submissives, or what all 24/7 relationships are like. Ours is, in our opinion, ‘light to medium’ level. Each and every relationship is unique; their desires, what drives them to be who they are and what role they take is unique to each individual. This is simply our experience – if you have questions then please, ask, do not assume!

The first time he mentioned a contract, I thought he was joking. I mean, after 3 years of fighting, of trying to fit together despite our cultural differences I figured we were over, done. There was no coming back from what happened between us, and I was prepared to end it all and walk away. Then, the most astonishing thing happened; he apologized. Not only that, but he told me how he was feeling, what he wanted, how badly he knew I was hurting and how much guilt he felt over it all. This was a pleasant surprise, but I was still hesitant – we all know how often we hear those words and how infrequent things actually change, but…he is the love of my life, what can I do? I had to try again.

After a huge fight that left us needing space (7 days of no contact, to be exact), we were trying to get back into the groove of us. I had missed him, and he had missed me severely, but the space didn’t fix our problems. Even hearing that he wanted to adjust his behavior didn’t completely quell my fear that nothing was truly going to change, despite the fact that even I could see something was different in him. There we were, play wrestling on his bed when he said the playful, joking words that would change everything.
“Just write up a contract, I’ll sign it.”
I laughed, the words “don’t tempt me” slipping from my lips as I fight to gain leverage against his brute strength. The next thing I knew, he was confiding in me about his innate desire to submit, to take care of me mind, body and soul. That he felt I deserve it, and after so long of not being treated the way I deserved, it was time he started to make it up to me. He even volunteered to go through two weeks of denial just to make up for the 2 years of his shit sex drive which left me alone to handle myself. We figured out the basics of what we wanted, and the next day I was off to the google races – finding a basic BDSM contract we could edit to fit our new 24/7 lifestyle. I spent the day adjusting it to fit our desires; his daily, weekly and monthly tasks, mostly requested by him. The behaviors I would emulate, the punishments he’d receive if he broke our contract, and a thousand other little things we wanted to put into play. Fantasies neither of us knew we had began to emerge, and as someone who had only ever been submissive, learning how to be controlling, to be the Domme in our life was a new thrill, a new experience I was incredibly nervous about starting, yet a part of me was insanely intrigued. I didn’t know if I’d be good at it, if I even knew how to behave in a dominant manner – I’ve always been too loud, too demanding, too controlling so, over the years, I worked my hardest at becoming less of everything. I thought it was good for me to learn to be more submissive; I figured that was how I was supposed to be. All I knew was that I wanted a male’s approval, someone to love me, someone to take care of me the way a man was supposed to, and it didn’t help that the men I attracted tended to want submissive women. Growing up without a father had left a large hole where a male influence was supposed to be and, in turn, it left me with a lot of fear and abandonment issues. So, I craved acceptance, craved commitment and stability from a man. I wanted someone to teach me how to be, make my decisions for me, someone to lose myself in and instead I found the opposite. Instead of losing myself, I found a man who wanted to help me find myself. Who wanted me to learn to be selfish, and to put my foot down and demand what I wanted rather than accepting whatever I got. I still remember the first few days when we were figuring out the basic design of our new life, and he knelt down in front of me, grabbed my hands in his, looked me in the eye and told me that it is time for me to be selfish. I cried. No word of a lie, I cried hard. I had no idea at the time how long I had waited to hear those words and those words started a process of healing I desperately needed. I saw in his eyes a joy, a contentment in the life we were planning, even before we put it into play. In me, he saw someone worth loving, worth fighting for, worth taking care of, worth submitting to. I realized that this is what I’ve always wanted – not someone to lose myself in but someone who would remind me anytime I forgot that I deserve this life. This love. Someone who would help me grow into who I wanted to be, and who would love all of the parts of me others wanted to silence.

I had known from the day we met that he was submissive, and he knew then that I was, too. Yet, I had no idea just how submissive he truly was. I remember giggling to myself often, wondering how he can call himself a sub when his behavior was that of a dominant man, and I still shake my head when I think about it now. Truth be told, he probably thought the same thing about me. He was lost without his submission, I think we both were if I’m being honest. Strangely enough, I’m positive the fact that I’ve been submissive most of my life actually helps me be a better Goddess for him because I understand what his needs are, why he wants to submit to me the way he has. It’s also made me realize the power I have, not only as a woman but as his partner; how it feels to be responsible for someone else, to have someone else’s heart in your hands. My past relationships, they had my heart but I didn’t have theirs, and I didn’t understand how much responsibility I was putting on others by giving myself away so easily. No wonder I kept getting my heart broken; I wasn’t paying attention to who I was giving my submission to, it was just whoever would take it – even if it was only for a few months at a time. I had been breaking my own heart for the longest time and it had gotten so battered and bruised, it forgot how to beat. Until him.

It’s been a few weeks now and despite the stress of the holidays and a loss in the family, we haven’t fought like we did before. We’ve learned better communication, better understanding, better listening skills simply from this new dynamic. I feel safer than I ever have knowing that I can say no, no matter what, and even he has even noticed that I stand taller and have stopped questioning myself and my decisions. In the short time since we began this life, I have felt more authentically myself than I have in many years, and I can see he does too. We’re both happier, more in love and more connected than we’ve ever been, and we’re adding and adjusting the contract as time goes on to fit our changing desires, our darker fantasies we’ve begun to explore, and the new fun rewards, punishments, and disciplinary actions we come up with. I am incredibly excited to see what life has in store for us, and will be posting regular updates as we progress.

If you have any questions, ask away. Concerns or criticisms, I’ll happily discuss – just be polite and respectful. Last but not least, I hope you have as much fun reading as we do exploring!

Until next time, keep it kinky 😉

Goddess S