Our beginning

DISCLAIMER: BDSM can be therapy, and it is for me. No, issues like mine are not as prevalent within this community as you’d think, as 50 shades made it out to seem. Please, do not take my experience as a blanket statement for all Dominants and submissives, or what all 24/7 relationships are like. Ours is, in our opinion, ‘light to medium’ level. Each and every relationship is unique; their desires, what drives them to be who they are and what role they take is unique to each individual. This is simply our experience – if you have questions then please, ask, do not assume!

The first time he mentioned a contract, I thought he was joking. I mean, after 3 years of fighting, of trying to fit together despite our cultural differences I figured we were over, done. There was no coming back from what happened between us, and I was prepared to end it all and walk away. Then, the most astonishing thing happened; he apologized. Not only that, but he told me how he was feeling, what he wanted, how badly he knew I was hurting and how much guilt he felt over it all. This was a pleasant surprise, but I was still hesitant – we all know how often we hear those words and how infrequent things actually change, but…he is the love of my life, what can I do? I had to try again.

After a huge fight that left us needing space (7 days of no contact, to be exact), we were trying to get back into the groove of us. I had missed him, and he had missed me severely, but the space didn’t fix our problems. Even hearing that he wanted to adjust his behavior didn’t completely quell my fear that nothing was truly going to change, despite the fact that even I could see something was different in him. There we were, play wrestling on his bed when he said the playful, joking words that would change everything.
“Just write up a contract, I’ll sign it.”
I laughed, the words “don’t tempt me” slipping from my lips as I fight to gain leverage against his brute strength. The next thing I knew, he was confiding in me about his innate desire to submit, to take care of me mind, body and soul. That he felt I deserve it, and after so long of not being treated the way I deserved, it was time he started to make it up to me. He even volunteered to go through two weeks of denial just to make up for the 2 years of his shit sex drive which left me alone to handle myself. We figured out the basics of what we wanted, and the next day I was off to the google races – finding a basic BDSM contract we could edit to fit our new 24/7 lifestyle. I spent the day adjusting it to fit our desires; his daily, weekly and monthly tasks, mostly requested by him. The behaviors I would emulate, the punishments he’d receive if he broke our contract, and a thousand other little things we wanted to put into play. Fantasies neither of us knew we had began to emerge, and as someone who had only ever been submissive, learning how to be controlling, to be the Domme in our life was a new thrill, a new experience I was incredibly nervous about starting, yet a part of me was insanely intrigued. I didn’t know if I’d be good at it, if I even knew how to behave in a dominant manner – I’ve always been too loud, too demanding, too controlling so, over the years, I worked my hardest at becoming less of everything. I thought it was good for me to learn to be more submissive; I figured that was how I was supposed to be. All I knew was that I wanted a male’s approval, someone to love me, someone to take care of me the way a man was supposed to, and it didn’t help that the men I attracted tended to want submissive women. Growing up without a father had left a large hole where a male influence was supposed to be and, in turn, it left me with a lot of fear and abandonment issues. So, I craved acceptance, craved commitment and stability from a man. I wanted someone to teach me how to be, make my decisions for me, someone to lose myself in and instead I found the opposite. Instead of losing myself, I found a man who wanted to help me find myself. Who wanted me to learn to be selfish, and to put my foot down and demand what I wanted rather than accepting whatever I got. I still remember the first few days when we were figuring out the basic design of our new life, and he knelt down in front of me, grabbed my hands in his, looked me in the eye and told me that it is time for me to be selfish. I cried. No word of a lie, I cried hard. I had no idea at the time how long I had waited to hear those words and those words started a process of healing I desperately needed. I saw in his eyes a joy, a contentment in the life we were planning, even before we put it into play. In me, he saw someone worth loving, worth fighting for, worth taking care of, worth submitting to. I realized that this is what I’ve always wanted – not someone to lose myself in but someone who would remind me anytime I forgot that I deserve this life. This love. Someone who would help me grow into who I wanted to be, and who would love all of the parts of me others wanted to silence.

I had known from the day we met that he was submissive, and he knew then that I was, too. Yet, I had no idea just how submissive he truly was. I remember giggling to myself often, wondering how he can call himself a sub when his behavior was that of a dominant man, and I still shake my head when I think about it now. Truth be told, he probably thought the same thing about me. He was lost without his submission, I think we both were if I’m being honest. Strangely enough, I’m positive the fact that I’ve been submissive most of my life actually helps me be a better Goddess for him because I understand what his needs are, why he wants to submit to me the way he has. It’s also made me realize the power I have, not only as a woman but as his partner; how it feels to be responsible for someone else, to have someone else’s heart in your hands. My past relationships, they had my heart but I didn’t have theirs, and I didn’t understand how much responsibility I was putting on others by giving myself away so easily. No wonder I kept getting my heart broken; I wasn’t paying attention to who I was giving my submission to, it was just whoever would take it – even if it was only for a few months at a time. I had been breaking my own heart for the longest time and it had gotten so battered and bruised, it forgot how to beat. Until him.

It’s been a few weeks now and despite the stress of the holidays and a loss in the family, we haven’t fought like we did before. We’ve learned better communication, better understanding, better listening skills simply from this new dynamic. I feel safer than I ever have knowing that I can say no, no matter what, and even he has even noticed that I stand taller and have stopped questioning myself and my decisions. In the short time since we began this life, I have felt more authentically myself than I have in many years, and I can see he does too. We’re both happier, more in love and more connected than we’ve ever been, and we’re adding and adjusting the contract as time goes on to fit our changing desires, our darker fantasies we’ve begun to explore, and the new fun rewards, punishments, and disciplinary actions we come up with. I am incredibly excited to see what life has in store for us, and will be posting regular updates as we progress.

If you have any questions, ask away. Concerns or criticisms, I’ll happily discuss – just be polite and respectful. Last but not least, I hope you have as much fun reading as we do exploring!

Until next time, keep it kinky 😉

Goddess S